Yesterday I started my prescription for Ritalin and I have all kinds of feelings about that.

I have a real internal problem with taking medications of any kind. I feel like it is some kind of failure that I can’t be self-disciplined enough to do the things that may help me without them. Like for my diabetes, I felt like I should have been able to cut back on sugar and carbs, exercise, and lose weight, which would have brought my blood sugars down and helped me avoid medications. I couldn’t do it and I finally did give in and accept that I needed something to manage my diabetes.

It took me a long time to come to terms with that and I still hate that I don’t manage it well. Even with the medications…well, you have to take them regularly for them to work right? I can’t even manage that very well.

But that brings me to my ADHD. It makes me mad when anyone doubts I do actually have it. I have been to a therapist/counsellor who can’t formally diagnose it but when we talked, she said that I have all the markers. I know that. I knew that she would know that after we talked. But my doctor seems doubtful.

When I spoke to him about ADHD meds, he actually wanted to give me SSRIs, too. And I don’t understand that. Because while I do have a small amount of anxiety and depression on occasion, I feel like it is manageable. Anxiety and depression don’t affect me daily. Once or twice a month, maybe. ADHD? Those symptoms affect me daily. Each day there are multiple times that see it. Every damn day it is something. Multiple somethings. And when it is really bad, that’s when I get anxious.

Anyway, back to my point…

I know that some people do manage their ADHD without medication. I really wanted to be one of those people. I know that exercise/sunlight, eating right (again, less sugar/carbs), a regular schedule, and so on can help. But Ican’t do it. I have tried so many times. All my life really. I thought struggling with those things was normal. I thought everyone struggled with those things but they were just better at managing it and I was just…not good at it.

Trying to do those things that everyone else does and then failing again and again and again makes me thing that I’m a loser. There’s something wrong with me. Why can’t I just get up at the same time everyday. Why can’t I stick with a schedule? I’m obviously flawed in some way.

That’s what my brain would tell me anyway.

I know that is not true though. I know now that my brain just works differently and it’s ok to ask for help - in this case, ask for meds.

So, my doctor did give me a one month prescription for Ritalin and then we’ll revisit it in a month.

I need this to work because I need to feel better about myself. I need to feel like I can function like an adult. And if it doesn’t, he won’t give me another prescription. And if he doesn’t believe that I have adult ADHD, he’s going to push the SSRIs at me. And then I’m going to have to look for another doctor.

Sigh.

One thing he said was that he wanted me to keep seeing a therapist. I’m fine with that. I talked to my therapist yesterday and we had a good talk. I asked to see her weekly for the next while because I need more regular contact for this to work. She’s fine with that, so I hope that between the therapist and the meds I’ll start seeing a difference in my life.

It sucks that I have ADHD. I just wish I had known a long time ago. Mine is more on the inattentiveness scale than the hyperactivity scale (although, ask my therapist and she will tell you that the hyperactivity comes out in my speech; she can’t even see me pacing on the other end of the phone). And that’s pretty common with women. Which is why it often wasn’t picked up in girls.

I know now though. That’s all that matters. The only other people that need to believe it are my doctor and my therapist and if my doctor doesn’t get on board, I’ll have to find someone else to work with. I need my doctor to hear me.